Stories of Surrender – The instruction I struggled with

Ok, the story continues. If you missed the previous post, you’ll need it to get context for today’s post.

So, I received two instruction from Abba after my ‘surrender conversation’. Taking the step to apply for Bible School was relatively easy. I already knew which Bible School God wanted me to go to and I applied.

After going through the application process, I was officially admitted a few weeks later. There was an introductory meeting with the Provost of the School and I was eager to start the weekend classes in January.

You see the second instruction? I struggled with it on so many levels. Just like with Bible School, Abba was specific about the University and the course. IE Business School. Masters in Communications. I remember telling Abba, “I am not going down this road again.” And I really didn’t want to go down that Masters road again. I was still traumatized from the experience with deferring my admission at Cranfield University and trying so hard to do an MBA.

But I had told God that I’d do whatever He wanted. So after my initial hesitation, I decided to check out the School and the course online. As I scrolled through the website, I’d admit that I loved what I saw. It was obvious that it was a valuable program. And then I got to the tuition section. 28,000 Euros. I laughed and closed the browser. Where did Abba expect me to get that amount of money from? I barely had N100,000 in my account.

So I decided to shove Masters at IE aside and focus on Bible School which was going to require my dedication for nine months.

I’d like to tell you a bit more about Bible School and how it took me into a new dimension in my walk with God.

We started lectures in the second week of 2018 and from our first class, it was obvious that I was in for a ‘shaking tables’ experience. The thing that Bible School did for me was to have an understanding of why I believed what I believed. I realized that there were things that I believed about God simply because a Pastor had said so. It’s not as if the Pastor was wrong; the problem was that I just didn’t know the why. I didn’t know God for myself.

Bible School made it important for me to know God for myself. To search scriptures and ask God questions. To think deeply about my beliefs and examine whether they are truly rooted in the Word. This part was quite tough. I began to see how I somewhat had a transactional relationship with God. I got to see worship and serving God in a new light. My entire life and my service is worship to God. Everything that flows out of me, every expression, every word…it’s worship to God.

I also began to see where there had been faulty foundations in my walk of faith. Perhaps the biggest thing that Bible School did for me is this – it created a deep hunger for God. I wanted to know Him, as in really get to know Him, blessings and miracles aside. I was also ready to submit myself to the painful process of healing.

At this point, I had built such thick walls around my life and my heart to protect myself from getting hurt.  What I, however, realized was that I couldn’t fully be a vessel of God’s love if I had a fortress around my heart. I had no idea what the healing process would be like but I was willing to try. I just wanted more of God; so I had to try. My desire was to give myself fully to Him and I was willing to follow wherever I sensed Him leading, in spite of the fear and discomfort.

But there was still one thing that nudged at my heart. The words – “Go to IE for the Masters program” never left me.

Next week, I’d share how I made the decision to obey and finally apply to the School.

A note for you

I wish I could tell you that once you surrender to God, everything will fall into place smoothly. That’s not necessarily the case. In fact, I believe that the first thing God does when you surrender fully is to work on you. My heart was bruised and He needed to make it whole. I was broken in so many ways and despite the fact that I wanted to do His will, God needed me to be healed and whole for the assignment ahead.

Don’t be frustrated if it appears as if things just unraveled once you said yes to God. To be honest, it is expected. Ask God to help you to keep your eyes on Him. Ask Him for the grace to submit to the pruning and refining process. Trust me, it’s quite hard but you will fall in love with the version of yourself that will emerge after the process.

And finally, don’t be hard on yourself if you’re struggling with an instruction God gave you. Many of us have done so at one point or the other. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you. Tell Him you are struggling. Ask Him for the grace to obey and watch Him work on your heart.

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